Experience...the lack of it

I began singing when Lakshmi & Vivek bought me into the group song team in B.Sc. They wanted someone who could be a part of the group. I agreed and when people listened to me, they said I have a good voice and wanted me to start learning Carnatic Classical music. I did enroll and learn for an year, but that was an utter failure because of irregularity and lack of bhakti.

So, occasional singing to friends and at home became regular, but when someone asks me to sing, I always fear that I will forget the lyrics midway. This has always prompted me to find out more about the way I sing; I found out that I am concentrating only on the way I sing and on the words that are to come next because of the constant fear. So, after a song, all I remember is that out came the words, I listened, and liked the way they sounded!!! That is all purely ego. That was my mistake, I did not concentrate instead on the meaning of those words and the experience they bestow on me when they come out!!!

From the past few times, I have consciously tried to experience the songs and the fear of failing seems to be receding. All I had was the experience of singing but not experiencing it :-)

Just yesterday, we (Akila, Bavi and me) visited my sister's (Bavi's) friend's home and her Father asked me to sing. As I was rummaging inside as to what I should present Sooraj Ki Garmi Se came up. Just at that moment, Bavi suggested the very same song!!! I started out experiencing it and it just came out well, but out of fear, I stopped after singing just one para!!! This just illustrates to me that I should just surrender and enjoy the experience. Uncle (Bavi's friend's Father) showed me a CD that was produced by them and a song sung by Keeravani (M.M.Kreem) touched chord Bandavaru ondhu dina marali hogale bekalla!!!

I've wondered at how Bhatta, Prasad and Radha can remember all the songs they sing, well, now I know.
Jai Sadguru Ramana.